Friday, April 13, 2012

I am crying

Have you every just cried b/c you are sick of saying...

"Because I said so, that's why." 
"Stay in room till I let you out." 
"Stop fighting and bickering!" 
"If you fight about it, away it goes." 
"Sit down and do your work!"
"Who made this mess?  Please clean it up!"
"Stop teasing your brother.  Now, go in the corner and stay there till you are quiet and I tell you to come out!"
"Why are you waiting for me?  You can do this yourself."  
"Get inside and finish up your school work then you can play outside!"
and on and on and on.

I am so tired.  Maybe b/c my sleeping, or lack there of I guess, and just burnt out. 

The morale is low around here as the weather is getting warmer and nicer to stay outside and away from the books.

Earlier in the week I made a new chart for the countdown of our last days of school and the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.  We all need a light at the end of this tunnel.  Our family does take some time off away from sit down and focus school work during the summer, but it does not last too long since my kids thrive on schedules.  But it sure is fun to just let go and bop around for a while.

My heart aches b/c I want to make the most of the days, with my focus on not having any regrets and doing God's will for our family.  Trying to make each moment count, and last.  But I also struggle to 'be in the moment' too and not an on-looker. 

But yet instead my thoughts are to get through this school subject so we can be over and done with it.  Get through that so that it will be done and we can do something fun, more enjoyable.  Get through this hour so we are closer to nap time so I can rest.  This survival mode is not my innermost desire to spend my days!!! 

Why, oh why can't I see the visible in front of me as these moments?  Why am I searching for clearer focus on finding these moments when they are RIGHT HERE?

So, I cry.  I tear up b/c my wants conflict with my reality of life.  But, maybe this reality is what I should want and truly what I need.  God is the One making my days and who am I to ridicule and be upset with how these days are turning out.  Sometimes I sound like a bit of a hypocrite as I say that I want to do God's Will and I strive to do it, yet I am not content with it.   For that, my friends, I am sorry.  Please forgive me.

I am a sinner and a work in progress....a saint in the making.  I am not in Heaven yet so I am going to keep trying at this.  I am not giving up.

God bless your day and your way of holiness!

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