I haven't been able to blog lately...not been able to focus on anything.
I don't even know what to say.
I am so sad.
I am crying and in a daze most of the days, while everyone around me keeps moving on.
I told God that I could not let go of this baby.
Then I told God that now I can, that I believe it is His Will.
I went through all those different feelings of doubt, anger, sadness, emptiness...and I am still visiting them frequently.
I have never had a miscarriage before and I wonder how women deal with this? How dare I not take it as seriously and be more compassionate to these dear families. I really just never knew.
But now I do.
I feel so pregnant, still.
I have the jelly belly still.
I feel morning sickness, rather, for me, it is after 12noon till I fall asleep at night.
How can I feel so pregnant but not be?
I have shown some signs that the baby will be released soon. This cramping is like a mini-labor but the end prize is not a happy one. I told God that I am ready to let go. But I am still waiting on Him. This is so sad to wait for this to happen. To know I am carrying a little one that I can never hold in my arms...but that God is allowing me to 'hold' a little longer till I am apart from her.
Yes, I said 'her'.
My children wanted to name her Therese Avila and so we did. We have our own little patron saint from our family praying for us. We have our own real flesh and blood in Heaven with God, Mary and all the Saints.
She is much happier now than I could ever give her.
St. Therese Avila, pray for us.